I wish
by Somn
Summary: Sent to the hospital and still has no motivation to change his ways, Hayner reveals why nothing matters any more. Two-shot.


Warnings; Boy-love, angst and swearing – lots of swearing.

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><p>Sick. I was becoming so fucking sick of all this shit, all this day-to-day crap which I didn't deserve. Every motherfucking day, it's the same. Get up, skate to school, get the piss taken out of me by Seifer, get to school, boring fucking lessons, walk to the Usual Spot, have Seifer come up and take the piss again, start a fight (Every. Fucking. Time.) and walk home nursing injuries with his stupid motherfucking smirk ingrained on my memory. Every time I close my eyes, that's all I see. His stupid fucking smirk.<p>

And do you know what the worst thing is? Tomorrow will be exactly the same, and I won't do anything to change it. And the next day, and the next. No matter what I say to myself, no matter what I promise that I'll do, I will always allow things to take their course. And why would I do such a thing? Why would I allow myself to get put down and beat up constantly?

Because I have a fucking schoolgirl crush on him. No matter what he does, or how fucking badly he beats me, I always sigh after him like a fucking girl. Nothing I do can stop it. Nothing.

Several times I've been tempted to tell him exactly how I feel, but I know I'd never go through with it. Every time he puts me down, it feels as if someone tears a chunk of my heart out. I don't give a shit how fucking cliché that sounds, it's true. Every time I'm lying on the ground, panting and bleeding, I look up and he just gives me a look that means he doesn't give a shit... I've just stopped looking up now.

He's turning me into a fucking pansy. I go to sleep at night and I have to think about schoolwork – fucking schoolwork – to stop myself thinking about him, because if I think about him, and how fucking hopeless my whole 'heartbreak' situation is, I'll probably cry. I'm becoming that fucking pathetic.

To be totally honest, I think Olette's caught on. She always heals my wounds, looking at me as if I'm some pathetically lost puppy, always saying I should just fucking forget about the asshole (minus the profanities). Pence and Roxas always think that she's talking about the fights, jumping to my side by saying Seifer always irritates me first, but the look in her eyes suggests she's not talking about the fights, not anymore.

I think he's fucking figured it out, too. He's hitting harder, faster on the places he knows are already injured. A fight that used to leave me angry and panting now leaves me shattered and wheezing; doubled over to try and get oxygen without aggravating my wounds, both new and old. I can see Roxas twitching from the sidelines, wanting to jump in and help. But even our friendship stays on hold for my rivalry with Seifer, he won't touch the other blond unless I say he can.

Even when my injuries mean I end up in hospital.

~.x.~

Hayner lay quietly on the hospital bed, listening to the continuous screech and wail of the machinery around him and leaking in through the hole the open door left. His hair was limp due to lack of gel, the nurses having washed his hair to remove the blood. His left hand gently came up to his bandages on the opposite arm, fingertips brushing the fabric in an almost-nostalgic way. Seifer had been really pissed today, beyond all belief. There were no words exchanged between them as Hayner and his friends had walked through the Sandlot. Well, no, Seifer had called "Lamer" before grabbing the younger by the front of his shirt. It had all gone downhill from there.

"Hayner!" A female voice cried, snapping the blond from his musing. A teary-eyed Olette ran up to the bed, her eyes showing her inward debate about hugging the injured teen. The smallest of smiles appeared on his face as he waved his hand at her, slightly nodding at the two who walked into the room after her.

"Yo Olette!" It was her turn to snap out of her thoughts, and she looked confusedly at the boy. "I'd give you a high five, but with the 'lack of depth perception' look I've got going of me now," he waved vaguely at his covered right eye, smiling slightly wider. "I'd probably miss your hand and fall off the bed." Less teary-eyed, Olette looked a mixture of amused and annoyed, but the worry was still obvious in the way her eyes were constantly flicking between the major injuries.

"I can't believe you're making jokes about your injuries, Hayner," she scolded, causing Hayner to grin, then flinch at the pain grinning caused. Instead, he decided to look sheepishly at her.

"Ah, come on, 'Let! I got you to smile, didn't I?" He held his hands up in front of his face in mock surrender as she began to retort. "One of us has to smile! Does it look like I can right now?" His tongue flicked out to the left corner of his mouth, wetting the already damp band-aid a little more. The brunette looked less than pleased at his statement.

"Dude, you know she'd have totally hit you already if it weren't the fact that you're in a hospital bed, right?" The second blond in the room threw in, causing Hayner to smile.

"Duh! You think I wouldn't be milking this moment?" Roxas smirked in response, Pence chuckling at the joke. The sole female in the room, however, seemed to have had enough of the lighthearted atmosphere.

"Hayner, quit it with the jokes. You're in a hospital," she frowned, and pulled her hands through her hair in a frustrated manner. The atmosphere dropped like ice, only to be replaced with a morbid, tense feeling in the air. "You have to be more careful. What happens when Seifer suddenly decides that putting you in hospital is enough anymore?" She looked sadly at her suddenly-sullen friend, eyes dropping back down to the floor in an instant. "He decided that leaving you on the street covered in bruises wasn't good enough, Hay. If he took that step, why can't he take the next as well?" The silence was heavy after that statement, the atmosphere thick enough to be cut with a knife.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Hayner muttered, grabbing the cross on his chest tightly as he spoke. The statement, allowing Olette the chance to tear up again, appalled the three others in the room.

"What do you mean, 'it doesn't matter anymore'?" Roxas growled, the first to snap out of it. "What kind of bullshit is that?" He screeched, looking on the verge of hitting the other blond. Hayner didn't rise to the argument like he normally did, seemingly broken for a moment.

"You wouldn't understand," was his only reply, along with Hayner now refusing to look at any of them. Roxas growled in frustration, but before he could say anything, Pence beat him to it.

"How can we ever understand if you don't explain what's going on?" He asked, the worried and slightly hurt tone of voice forcing the injured blond to raise his head and meet his friends gazes. Each had worry shining in their eyes, even Roxas, who still looked annoyed at Hayner's unusual reluctance. Hayner sighed slightly, looking between his friends and the thin sheet covering him.

"These wounds are nothing. Seifer, he..." He dropped his gaze again, swallowing the lump in his throat and fighting back the now-familiar sting of tears in the corner of his eyes. "I wish he'd just rip out my heart. Then the worst of the pain would go away." Trying to ignore the way his voice broke at the end of his sentence, he balled his hands up into fists, uncomfortable with the painful silence in the room. The silence was broken as quickly as it was made with a soft sigh from the only female.

"Oh Hayner..." She whispered, throwing her arms around the damaged teen, careful to miss as many injuries as she could before pulling him into a light hug. He didn't return it, merely resting his head on the female's shoulder as he fought back the tears. Roxas let out a sharp hiss, though what emotion caused it Hayner wasn't sure. Right now, he honestly couldn't care. His heart was thudding painfully, as if his emotions actually effected the blood pumping organ. A minute passed the silent hospital room.

Outside the room, Seifer left, his hands curling into angry fists.

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><p>Based on this picture; www . deviantart . comart/I-wish-NO-DOUJI-105216974?q=gallery%3Ahakkyouhime%2F7898871&qo=19


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